This time around, for as long as it lasts, I’ll be treating my blog more like I treat my journal (with a touch less detail about others).

By sixteen I knew I wasn’t a mother-woman. I didn’t want to get pregnant and I knew my perfect mate would feel the same. That’s not to say I hadn’t planned on helping children or future generations—at the time I thought I’d do it as an adoptive parent, a foster parent, a counselor, or maybe (as it turns out, definitely) a teacher. By then, and even until now, the closest I could come to envisioning a wedding was a Justice-of-The-Peace and a small courtroom or conference room. I’m fine with other people’s weddings—my brother’s was lovely as were many of my cousins’—I just couldn’t envision my own. I would also just spout off what I thought I was supposed to want in a partner: male, taller than me, Christian…because I didn’t really know what I wanted. I just wanted someone to love me.

Looking back on my twenties, thirties, and forties has allowed me to see how much has changed—or been revealed in my feelings about partnership, marriage, and faith. I am blessed to have been raised by people of strong faith. However, my understanding of those same teachings has never quite fit how I was raised. Instead of converting people, I wanted to just build friendships and let the faith fall where it may. Instead of taking The Bible literally, I’ve returned always to the way Jesus taught in metaphors. Instead of viewing the Old Testament as factual history, I’ve seen it as oral tradition written down and multiple traditions being merged (the northern tribes of Israel & the southern tribes of Judea)—oh, I believe it’s the protected Word of God…just not sure that I can take seriously the image I had as a small child of God whispering into Moses’ ear.

That’s the way of things though. We grow: we try, we fail, we learn, we try again; we try, we succeed, we learn; we face each part of a situation from a different angle on the spiral of life experiences and, hopefully(!), we grant more grace than we were once given.

Summer being what it is—a time without a schedule for the most part—is exceptionally lonely. My friends all have families and responsibilities. My family has family and responsibilities. Most enjoyable things require money that I fritter away on books or distractions like movies, shows, you all know…So, summer is a difficult time. And even thirty years into my chosen profession I am continually reminded of how I have failed in the past, the difficulties of having a forgiving reputation and a forgiving spirit (some people call it being a doormat—the nerve!), and the real struggles I always deal with. I know I’ve gotten better about so much over the year thanks to experience, medication, and dedication. I have always known I’ll never be an award winning teacher and many of my students will easily let got of my name or most things about me as they age into deeper adulthood. I’ve always known I’m a bit of a disappointment for not having a husband or children or more financial sense or better classroom management.

These are not just summer thoughts, but they are a solid underpinning of my summers. Yet, I keep going. Because that is what we do.

I asked a friend to look through this and she pointed out the following: Point of comparison/critique before continuing to write: Read through the blog post again and look through the life/context of Mary Magdalene — a childless, unmarried, previous sex worker who has not ever been given the rightful credit of being an original disciple of Jesus despite sharing the “good news” of his resurrection (and him choosing to bestow that trust upon her) .

We had such a great and wide-ranging conversation about this, so expect a series of blog posts about biblical women, heroic women, women’s strength, family, dads and moms and siblings, faith…I’m reading a lot of books this summer about saints and medieval women, so I’ll be including them with my biblical faves: Hannah, The Marys, Esther, Ruth, Phoebe and Priscilla…

To borrow a motto: Have the best day possible.