Waiting for Sleep 230504

Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

I have a handful of Bible verses & lines of poetry that I hold close to my heart. Every few of years I have a motto for my school year, but it’s been a minute. And, I’m always liking things I read for quotes to inspire writing or loathing of writing in my students.

As did many I fell into a deeper depression during the Covid lockdowns. My bedroom became the safe space in my house and there were too many days I rarely left the bed. It didn’t help that the year before I was on a medication that, while helping my migraines, really did a number in my brain, my memory, my ability to function.

There are wonderful people who supported me as best they could despite my seemingly best efforts to withdraw from life. And I don’t blame some of them for backing off or staying cautious about me pulling myself into a slightly better mindset over the last few months.

The negative pathways in my kind got strong, my tendency towards laziness got stronger, my ability to people got much weaker.

Now, I am reaping my whirlwinds.

I live in a brighter home with less clutter, but I still fight my desire to nap as a rather unhealthy way of dealing with life and other difficulties. I find money tight as I work towards paying off my debts. I can see shadows in the light at the end of this tunnel. I can remember that hell is a state of mind. I understand that God is infinitely creative, loving, and present (I also know that I’m not quite sure what that really means , because the Creator can’t be put into concepts that humans can really understand).

Bad things exist in the world because people have the choice to give into their darker impulses. Bad things exist because some people enjoy cruelty for the sake of the pain it causes others; other people are so convinced of their own rightness and righteousness that they ooze a different kind of cruelty cloaked in religion or personal freedom. Bad things exist because people exist with free will.

Each of us has to make the choice in each moment, each day to reach for our better selves. When I read The Gospel of John I see a Jesus who taught his followers to live love, to give to those who have less, to practice community & compassions. I see a piece of God in the world. An example of what I can be. A promise that it’s okay to fail, to flail, to make mistakes. I know many, many others have a very different understanding.

I have learned that the grass maybe greener, but it’s probably spray painted.

I have learned to ask for help, to accept help.

I always have room to reach for my better nature.

May the whirlwinds you reap be full of love…